Gain access to all of our resources to become a happier and healthier you! In the time we have been together this go around I have definitely been the one to have the larger sex drive and need for intimacy. Connect with your partner and family on a new level with our range of books. One of the main factors that can determine the effectiveness of marriage counseling is the motivation level of both partners. For others, they haven't taken the time to choose a therapist who is a good fit for them. As a result, they prefer to work with each person individually, instead of as a couple. For marriage counseling to be effective, both partners need to be willing to take responsibility for their part in the problems, to accept each other's faults, and to be motivated to repair the relationship. I’m not trying to scare you away from it, and I don’t have a bias against it. I have tried talking to him, crying, getting mad, writing him all and still nothing. nagging, manipulating, belittling, name-calling etc. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. I love my husband and I want our relationship to work and I don’t know that he does. Our 2-day intensives have a 95% success rate, Take a look at our upcoming speaking events, retreats, and getaways. Her life dream is to someday write a book and see it published. Most people think that when marriages take a turn for the worst; the only solution is marriage counseling. All Rights Reserved. Written by Anna CollinsAnna Collins lives in sunny Southern California with her husband and two children. • A motivated couple can begin to explore their problems from a new perspective. Yes, marriage counseling can work, but it can also destroy your marriage. Now I know I’m making a generalization about ALL marriage counselors and I do realize that there are some “renegade” marriage counselors who do not follow these beliefs. Alicia, a forty year old accountant and mother of two sons, explains: "Jared doesn't talk during the sessions and complains that he can't leave work early to go. We are great at communicating our issues to each other which is awesome. What you’ll find is a variety of solutions that don’t involve marriage counseling. It makes sense that the longer a couple waits to seek assistance, the more deeply entrenched the communication problems - thus making them more resistant to treatment. Get a marriage book to read and discuss together or get a marriage podcast you can listen to together in the car. "Marriage Counseling Made My Relationship Worse. Why do some studies show limited success when evaluating the merits of couples counseling? 80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage … I am at a loss and don’t know what to do at this point. Our MyMarriage365 webcasts are very popular with spouses who tend to shy away from counseling. He writes, "turning toward one another is a kind of secret weapon against elements such as contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling - factors that can destroy any relationship.". Read our blogs, work … It appeared to me that they were struggling with integrating the addition of two young children, Jared's recent job change, and the large-scale investment of buying a new home. So, if your spouse isn’t at that place yet, take the first step to work on yourself… even if it means taking it alone. Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, College Instructor, Author. It's common for couples to reach an impasse and lose the ability to be vulnerable and trusting of one another. For instance, Alicia came to my office distraught because she had finally convinced her husband Jared to attend marriage counseling and the sessions weren't going well. Marriage counseling or couples therapy does have its advantages. • Verbal or physical abuse is an issue in the marriage and one of the partners is fearful about their safety or well-being so clams up in sessions. Pastor and international marriage expert, Mark Gungor’s has one of the best answers I’ve seen. Early detection is also a big plus. While I appreciate this author's candor, the premise of the article - that marriage counseling doesn't work simply because it didn't help the author - seems simplistic and it's not based on research. I have done my best to not place blame on him but something has to give. I love my husband and want us to work but I feel like he could careless about my needs and feelings. ", Further, Gottman coins the phrase "turning toward "one another to describe how couples can learn to react in a positive way to another's bids for attention rather than "turning away" - which generally involves ignoring a partner's bid, or acting preoccupied. Most experts agree that couples counseling is a relationship between three individuals and it's not the therapist's responsibility to "fix' the marriage. While marriage counseling can be a fruitful way to assist Alicia and Jared in navigating through these changes, both partners need to buy into the process for it to be effective. And in fact, it’s very possible that you could DO all the tips, techniques and offered to you by your marriage counselor, yet still wind up unhappy and frustrated with each other. So don’t brag about how you are getting help or how you’re the “only one working for your marriage.” Make positive changes and let your actions speak louder than your words. Recently, the effectiveness of marriage counseling has been called into question by a few Huffington Post contributors. For some couples, marriage counseling is really divorce counseling because they've already thrown in the towel. In his best-selling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., describes "marital masters" as "folks who are so good at handling conflict that they make marital squabbles look like fun." We have been married for a little over a year (were high school sweethearts, separated for 17 years, in which I was married and divorced). Most people don’t know this, but marriage counseling as taught in universities isn’t marriage counseling at all. Understanding these factors is important in determining whether or not seeking therapy for problems in a marriage is the best decision. 10) The pain of Divorce Needs to Outweigh the Pain of Marriage … The first step to seeing change in your marriage is to get yourself healthy! Why? Lastly, if your spouse still is not comfortable with the idea of counseling, try a smaller baby step first. In a world where social media is everywhere... it’s important to know some basic rules, as well as some etiquette tools to keep us on the same page with respecting ... What To Do When You Want Counseling, But Your Spouse Doesn’t. In his book The Relationship Cure, he writes: "It's not that these couples don't get mad or disagree. Yourself. Advice On Choosing The Best Honeymoon Destinations, Creative Ways And Gifts to Say You Care For Your Boyfriend, How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship. Ultimately, the real reason for their failure to save marriages may have something to do with their initial schooling and education. But when you turn to marriage counseling, the focus is on behavior, action and doing. I hope so. Both you and your marriage will be better for it. It’s therapy for individuals. Findings from a recent study in the "Journal of Marital and Family Therapy," report that marriage counseling helps seven out of ten couples find great satisfaction in their marriage. Renowned marriage researcher John M. Gottman claims that the average couple that enters marriage counseling has experienced marital difficulties for over six years. Currently, one of our most popular webcasts is called “When Your Spouse Stops Trying” and if you are sitting here thinking “I already tried all of these ideas, but they didn’t work”, then this is the webcast for you.